MY MOTHER IS A SQUIRREL: Why people hide chocolate
My Mother is a squirrel
We are surrounded by squirrels masquerading as normal people. My mother is a squirrel. Your mother might be a squirrel. It could be your partner, your coworker, or your own child. Even you could be a squirrel.
Don’t worry. Squirrels are relatively harmless, and we have no intention of exposing you or your loved ones. And if you’re wondering whether there is a squirrel in your vicinity, we can show you how to spot them. They aren’t so hard to identify once you know what to look for.
Squirrels typically hide sustenance for times of scarcity. They gather precious fuel when nature provides it and stash it away for seasons of scarcity. They hide their stores where they are least likely to be found, hoping to keep them safe from scavengers who haven’t prepared ahead for the cold panic of necessity.
Since my mother is a squirrel, I now understand the identifiers required to spot one at home. If you are trying to identify the squirrels in your midst, simply ask yourself these few questions:
Have I discovered secret stashes of chocolate in my home?
Was the hidden chocolate of a superior quality to that which was available to the rest of the household?
Was the chocolate shared with others only occasionally—perhaps on a special occasion or after a particularly bad day?
Did this secret stash of chocolate increase my desire for chocolate and my appreciation of its value?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you likely grew up with—or currently live with—a squirrel, just as I did. I remember the chocolate stashes hidden in the dark corners of the filing cabinet, in the desk, and in the back of the pantry, just out of my reach.
I generally was not looking for chocolate when I found it, but curiosity did occasionally lead me to trespass through other family members’ territory. Upon discovering the hidden treasure, obvious questions arose. Why was this chocolate kept separate from the household supply? Why did it look fancier than the chocolate everyone else received? What did that mysterious percentage symbol mean?
I also wondered how closely the stash was guarded. Could I remove a piece without it being noticed? How many gourmet chocolate chips or squares could be stealthily removed before my mother found a new place to hide her treasure?
The honest path was to hint loudly at my needs, hoping to incur enough pity that my mother would bring the chocolate out and share it with me willingly. But I confess that, in the face of chocolate, my more primitive instincts often took hold, and I usually attempted to remove the bounty without discovery.
Does any of this sound familiar? Are little lightbulbs of recognition flashing in your mind? Even though you may begin to notice that squirrels are everywhere, there is little to worry about in living amongst them.
Perhaps the only drawback to having squirrels in the family is that the tendency appears to be hereditary. Then again, that’s only a problem if the squirrels haven’t mastered the art of hiding their stash.
